This post was written during one of my Depressive Episodes.
I am not meaning to hurt anyone's feelings or offend anyone
who has ever experienced what I have described below.
Depression makes even the most diplomatic of people
into complete and total assholes.
Read at your will and with all this in mind.
It's two days after Thanksgiving (2014) and our car is completely dead. The clutch has gone to shit and will not go in gear. Car issues have always been a depression trigger for me. I've never ONCE had a car last me more than 2 years since the year I got my license. Even after I married for the second time, we as a couple can't keep a car running for longer. I'm in total "Fuck My Life" mode right now. I was thinking of ranting thoughtless, selfish bullshit, but I'm fighting to take the high road here and instead make this into something constructive. This is now an inside my head look of what a depressive episode looks like.
So here's what's going on inside my head:
When I got the word this morning that the car has gone to shit, my first thought was "OF FUCKING COURSE IT DID! IT'S JUST AFTER FUCKING THANKSGIVING AND JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS!" When I went to post about it on Facebook, I turned it into "My husband made me look like a fucking loony moron when the car shit out on us in the middle of the intersection because he undermined an earlier post about the car by saying 'it's okay now. It's drivable again. Just a small issue." He ALWAYS pulls that shit on me because I'm blonde therefor I'm a fucking retard to him. Even when I ask him to stop treating me like a moron, he fucking continues in small doses to gauge my attitude about it. This is the same fucking Mr. Know-It-All who ALWAYS comes in from working on same car saying "Okay, I know what the issue is now for certain." goes back out, said trick doesn't work, comes in saying "Okay, I know what the issue is now for certain!" Each time he says this bullshit, he's looking more and more like my dad in HIS ability to "Fix" cars.
From there, I go into "I'm not worth this life." Does this mean I'm feeling suicidal? No. It means I feel like I have made too many of the wrong decisions in my life and that I am such an utter fuck up that I will never have a nice car, a house with a washer/dryer hook up, a husband who has a good livable wage job, or a child whom rarely goes to the Principal's office because he actually behaves and speaks like a PROPER 6 year old should. This one I'm still feeling hard core about.
As of just a few moments ago, I went into the memories of all those Holiday Radio Programs, or News Casts, or Internet Videos where a family (90% of them being single moms, single dads, then a different chart for it being children of abuse, homeless, then a whole other category for "Families of Soliders") where someone nominated them to be "Blessed" with either a fat wad of cash, a BRAND NEW vehicle, a house or nice apartment COMPLETE WITH WASHER DRYER HOOK-UP, and/or the chance to see their loved one in public again. All their faith is restored in humanity. My own best friend who is going through her own messed-up time with her and her children (and she fits the single mom stereo type complete with abused children) received a newly refurbished and completely working car for being a stereotypical single mom with abused children. Not saying she and these other families don't deserve these karmic kick-backs, but my brain and heart are jacking me up saying "What makes her and those other families more deserving of these massive blessings and not our own family?" Our family became VERY homeless in July of 2012 when Matt lost his job at Walmart over their usual "Walmart brand" bullshit because he was getting a little too mouthy about wanting the CSM he was already working but not receiving the pay for. NONE of our friends helped us save for one, but she tried placing us and our then 3 year old son into a fucking Crack House. Eventually, her then Mother-in-Law took us in for 2 months until we went into the Big Brother system known as the Salvation Army. Not only that, I was almost literally breaking my back working part-time in a plus-size women's clothing chain. With my scoliosis, I ALWAYS left work holding back tears of pain. I couldn't quit the job lest we lose our apartment with Salvation Army because BOTH PARENTS must be working to maintain their VERY temporary "home". Since then, did finally get a proper apartment, but with no washer & dryer hook-ups, as usual. Matt did and still works at a nursing home but now is the soul bread-winner because, as always, our 2 years was up with the car we had and I no longer had a way to work that didn't require daily payment plus we were spending more money keeping me employed, what with gas and a baby-sitter for me to even work, not to mention the pain of being constantly on my feet had finally affected me for the worse.
So now our second car is completely dead. My husband continues to work as a CNA and his barely livable paycheck and small potatoes food-stamps is all we have to sustain us. So why do we deserve a big blessing like a new and properly working car that will last more than 2 years with regular maintenance, or a proper home, or even enough money to pay off our student debts and/or all debts so Matt can finally try for his RN, less than any other family, let alone a single parent? We're hurting too. We're struggling just as hard to keep from hitting homeless status again.
Lastly, I am feeling shame. I am tired of hearing "Why can't you just get a job?" I'm tired of "Why can't you just lose the weight so you won't be in as much pain...so you can get a job?" I'm especially tired of "Have you thought of trying _________?" Fuck every single person who says anything like this to people in crisis. I'm a stay at home mom because I CAN'T AFFORD TO FUCKING WORK! You haven't seen the cost of child-care lately, have you? Unless you're a single parent (especially a single mom), we aren't magically granted child care in this state unless BOTH PARENTS work full time. Because I have this painful scoliosis and less than a college degree, full time work is damn near impossible for this bitch to find. I also to refuse to work in Telemarketing again. As far as losing weight, yeah. I've been fat all my life. I've made MANY furtive efforts to lose the weight. I've even had a few gym memberships. I push and push and push myself in the gym. 50 lbs is my maximum weight loss. Also, I was no longer able to continue at Gold's Gym because WE MOVED 2 HOURS AWAY FROM IT! Where we live now, the closest gym we can afford is 6 miles away. Our car is shit and we don't have the money to get out of the fucking contract because of the holidays. And don't ask me if I've tried this that or the other thing to solve my God Damn problem. Unless I ask for fucking advice on what to find, I am in NO MOOD to hear your "Oh we did this and it helped a lot" crap. What I want right this second is an instant fix. I want right this second is someone to call and say "I have what you need and there are no strings attached. It's in perfect working order, brand new, and all I want is for you and yours to have a happy holiday and a good life. Just pay it forward."
And if you suffer depression or been in this state of mind, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
So. Yes, I'm ranting but this is exactly what goes on in a depressive person's mind during an episode, like what I'm going through right now.
I promise, I will eventually get over this. Until I do, please tread lightly around me, do NOT offer me unasked for advice, do NOT say anything or post anything that will make me feel shame for who I am and what we have been through, and unless you have an instant fix for what is hurting my soul right now, the only thing you can do to improve my attitude is just either put in some phone-calls to people who CAN instantly fix my hurting soul & family, or bring me some fucking Dutch Brothers and your knitting/crocheting so we can just vent it out with a Craft Circle.